Obligated Endurance and Belated Speeches

Never has it felt so confusing, this daily routine, this honor of duty. I have just been re-vocatated to a new place and it has been hard. The days go by slower than usual and weekends just breeze by. Just sitting here reflecting makes me anticipate the days to come - familiar orders given by unfamiliar faces. What is my duty in this duty? I have been asking myself this question but haven't found an answer. Everyday slugs by and more questions are left unanswered. I feel that I am still that boy learning to be a man and the son at home trying to be a soldier.

Advices tell me I should just endure and hold on. But doesn't endurance come with a price of numbness? I am afraid of not feeling and not caring enough; feelings are confusing, and they are sometimes painful, but someone once taught me that it is the chaos of emotions that makes us humans complex and beautiful. In the midst of this storm, I know there is a realization of hope that would eclipse all that trudging.

This service of obligation, I don't hope that it would just pass by me quickly, but rather somehow in this cocoon of two years, I would understand myself more and know more what I am capable of. I wish to know my stand and my cause, my reason and my mission.

But so far, the answers are in still, small parts. So I am still searching, praying and waiting.
Till then, I'll enjoy what I can and try to love what I hate.

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I'll understand Your meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm barely) Holding on to you

--

This year has been a fruitful one. It is ironic to hear myself say 'fruitful' when I have spent this year of National Service not pursuing what I want to, but I guess I have realized something new and learnt that life isn't all about excitement and adventure, but a daily appreciation of what you have and strengthening that love foundation with the people you care about.

I guess that was what God has been telling me about. This content that He promised that would come after the hype of boredom and frustration subsides. I am a really lucky guy and have everything I want - a loving family, a lovely new home, great friends, caring mentors, a supportive church and also an understanding God that I am still learning about...